Choosing to Be a Good Ancestor Over a Good Descendant
Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for informational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent any physical or mental disorder. This is not a substitute for treatment from a licensed mental health professional.
There's a profound shift happening in how we think about family legacy and responsibility. For generations, the emphasis has been on being a "good descendant"—honoring, pleasing, and accommodating those who came before us, often at great personal cost. But what if we flipped the script? What if instead of constantly looking backward to appease previous generations, we focused forward on being a "good ancestor" to the generations that will follow us?
This reframe isn't just philosophical—it's revolutionary. And it's particularly relevant for millennials and younger generations who find themselves caught between parents demanding compliance and children needing protection.
The Good Descendant Trap
The traditional model of being a "good descendant" looks like this:
Prioritize your parents' comfort over your own well-being
Maintain family traditions and dynamics, even when they're harmful
Accept criticism, boundary violations, and emotional abuse as "just how family is"
Sacrifice your children's emotional safety to maintain your parents' access and comfort
Pass down trauma patterns because "that's how we were raised"
This model treats family hierarchy as fixed and sacred, with older generations holding permanent authority over younger ones, regardless of wisdom, health, or behavior. It asks adult children to remain perpetual children, never fully claiming their own authority or protecting their families from dysfunction.
The pressure to be a good descendant often sounds like:
"But I'm your mother!"
"You're keeping me from my grandchildren!"
"Family comes first!" (meaning their version of family)
"You're being disrespectful!"
"We didn't raise you to be selfish!"
The Good Ancestor Revolution
Being a good ancestor versus good descendant means fundamentally shifting where you place your energy and loyalty. Instead of looking backward to manage the emotions and comfort of previous generations, you look forward to what you're creating for future ones.
A good ancestor asks:
What patterns do I want to pass down versus what patterns do I want to end with me?
How can I create emotional safety for my children that I may not have had?
What would my great-grandchildren thank me for doing today?
How can I model healthy boundaries and relationships?
What legacy of healing am I creating?
This doesn't mean being cruel or heartless toward older generations. It means recognizing that your primary responsibility is to the vulnerable people in your care and the generations that will follow, not to managing the unresolved trauma and emotional immaturity of those who raised you.
When Grandparents Demand Priority Over Grandchildren
One of the most painful dynamics many millennials face is being pressured to sacrifice their children's well-being to maintain their parents' comfort. This might look like:
The Guilt Campaign: "You're depriving me of my grandchildren!" (while ignoring why access was limited).
The Boundary Stomp: Continuing behaviors that upset or confuse grandchildren because "that's just how I am".
The Loyalty Test: Making adult children choose between protecting their kids and maintaining parental approval.
The Emotional Manipulation: Using grandchildren as weapons in family conflicts or treating them as emotional support animals for adult needs. A good ancestor recognizes that grandchildren are not emotional assistance animals for grandparents' unmet needs. They're not tools for validating older generations or maintaining family systems that no longer serve anyone.
A good ancestor puts the emotional safety of children first, even when it's uncomfortable for adults.
Breaking Generational Patterns
Many boomer and older Gen X parents struggle with the concept that their adult children might parent differently—and better—than they did. They take improved parenting as a personal attack rather than natural evolution and growth.
But here's what being a good ancestor versus good descendant looks like in practice:
Instead of spanking because "it didn't hurt me," you choose connection and communication because research shows better ways to parent.
Instead of forcing your children to hug relatives who make them uncomfortable, you teach them bodily autonomy and consent because their comfort matters more than adults’ feelings.
Instead of exposing your children to explosive family conflicts, you create peaceful homes because children deserve emotional safety.
Instead of teaching your children to "respect their elders" regardless of how they're treated, you teach them to respect people who treat them with respect.
Instead of perpetuating family dynamics that caused you trauma, you consciously choose to give your children what you needed but didn't receive.
This isn't about perfection—it's about intention. It's about saying, "The dysfunction stops here. My children will know what healthy love looks like."
The Accusations That Come with Ancestral Thinking
When you shift from being a good descendant to being a good ancestor, you'll likely face resistance:
"You think you're better than us!" No, you're choosing to do better than what was done to you. "You're too sensitive!" You're creating emotional safety your children deserve. "You're ruining the family!" You're changing family patterns that needed changing. "We turned out fine!" Your therapy bills and relationship struggles suggest otherwise.
These accusations are often projections from older generations who feel threatened by your growth. Your healing highlights their wounds. Your boundaries expose their lack of boundaries. Your protection of your children confronts their failure to protect you.
Remember: You're not responsible for managing other people's feelings about your growth.
What Good Ancestors Actually Do
Good ancestors don't just talk about breaking cycles—they actively create new patterns:
They apologize when they make mistakes with their children instead of defending their ego.
They go to therapy to heal their own trauma instead of passing it down.
They model healthy relationships instead of normalizing dysfunction.
They listen to feedback from their children instead of dismissing it.
They evolve their parenting as they learn better ways instead of staying rigid.
They prioritize their children's needs over extended family drama.
They create safety instead of demanding respect through fear.
Your Legacy Matters More Than Your Lineage
Here's the truth that might make some family members uncomfortable: Your responsibility to your children supersedes your obligation to your parents.
You didn't choose to be born, but you chose to have children (or to help raise them). That choice comes with the responsibility to put their well-being first, even when it disappoints previous generations.
Being a good ancestor versus good descendant means recognizing that your job isn't to heal your parents or manage their emotions. Your job is to heal yourself enough to give your children what they need to thrive.
The Ripple Effect of Ancestral Thinking
When you choose to be a good ancestor over a good descendant, you create ripples that extend far beyond your immediate family:
Your children learn what healthy boundaries look like
They develop secure attachment patterns they'll carry into their own relationships
They understand that love shouldn't come with conditions
They don’t learn that love looks like abuse
They learn to prioritize their own families' well-being when they become parents
They break cycles of trauma instead of perpetuating them
In 50 years, your great-grandchildren won't remember whether you kept your parents happy. But they will live in the emotional legacy you create today.
Permission to Choose Forward
If you're struggling with guilt about putting your children's needs before your parents' wants, let this be your permission slip: You are allowed to be a good ancestor instead of just a good descendant.
You're allowed to:
Choose your children's emotional safety over your parents' comfort
Create new family traditions that serve your values
Teach your children healthy relationship patterns, even if it conflicts with family history
Prioritize the family you're building over the family you came from
Look forward to the legacy you're creating instead of backward to the approval you're seeking
The generations that come after you will thank you for having the courage to choose being a good ancestor over being a good descendant. They'll thank you for choosing their well-being over family politics and their grandparents’ comfort. They'll thank you for breaking cycles that needed breaking.
Your descendants' mental health is more important than your ancestors' comfort.
And that's not selfish—that's revolutionary.
